Thursday, August 31, 2006

Okay, that was NOT Fun.

I ended up getting really sick while at school today...I made it to the pool, but then while in the water, still migraining, I had a panic attack. I just stood there in my swimlane and cried...I couldn't hear anything the echos are so bad there, I couldn't see anything because my glasses were at the opposite end of the pool, and my head was hurting so much I was dizzy and wanted to puke...It all came to the overload point.
Only one person noticed I was losing my shit, and she isn't one of the 80 instructors--she is a fellow Broken.
After class was over, I went to the computer lab and basically just sat there in the air conditioning, hidden in the Mac section, for about an hour. No, wait--they have a login/logout program, so I sat there for 82 minutes, exactly.

I still feel like shit--my neck is so tight you could use the tendons as violin strings...

On the bright side, the dogs were happy to see me.

Yes, a Negative Entry.

A few things I hate:

Waking up with a Migraine.

Cat puke.

Dog puke.

Entropy of the material world.

The telephone.

Cat puke on the bed.


Snake puke.

Stepping on a gopher foot in the morning while getting out of bed.



TTK's constant losing his keys.

Anything having to do with puke.

Undiagnosable injuries/illnesses.

Sunday, August 27, 2006



That does it. I am not a dog person and I just am not coping with this crap everywhere, piss-mark everything behaviour.

Saturday, August 26, 2006


Okay, I just got slammed, unfairly, on a public board about a private matter.
What the hell!
The whole blame dance is the reason I've pretty much separated myself from this group, and the shittiness and backstabbing that seems to infect the so-called leaders.
I've stepped away almost completely, but still someone had to take the opportunity to malign me.
It makes me feel all sick hands are shaking.


The only reason I'm doing the little that I am is that no one else has stepped up to do it.
And yes, I'm being deliberately fucking vague because I DON'T want to get into the bullshit.
I can say how sick it makes me without saying just which group it is...

I wonder if I'll get accused of trying to take over again. Fuck this. I'm gonna go shower.
I'm so hurt I want to puke, or cry...I'm hoping I will get mad about it soon and stop feeling so sick.

Interlude #3 of a Series

Me: Do you have someplace else you could use that new 250 Gig?

Him: What 250 Gig?

Me: The one you just bought!

Him: It's a 300 Gig. They're advertised as 320, but when you convert them into 1024 byte blocks, they're 300.

Me: Okay, can you use that new _300_ Gig in a different computer?

Him: Well, I could put it in the server. The server is using a Maxtor 200 Gig, that is old and has been cooked and I don't know how long it's going to last. Maxtors are--

Me (interrupting): So you could put the new drive in there and buy the 750 Gig for home.

Him: I'd rather spend the money on memory for my computer.

Me: Didn't you JUST BUY memory?

Him: Yes, that was for my OTHER computer.

Me: The server?

Him: No. (pause)

Me: Typhon?

Him: No.

Me (exasperated): Then WHAT other computer?

Him: The one I haven't set up yet.

Me: aaaAAAAaaaaa!

Him: You look like you are trying to study a new bacteria that keeps scuttling off the slide.

Friday, August 25, 2006


Okay, school just kicked my ASS.

I walked all over the campus trying to find everything--library, bookstore, classrooms, restrooms, computer lab, geek lounges, everything...and it decided to be a hot day, so by the time I got done, got over to Al's and checked on all critters, and then got home, I was BEAT.

Wednesday I used for recouperation--and tried to clean up this house. Amazing how dirty the place gets in 2 days when I'm not there to maintain it...

I got to swim Thursday, and enjoyed it so much I stayed in the water for an hour and a half (the teacher has two classes that overlap, so I was able to get in early.) This was probably--no, DEFINITELTY-a mistake. I was so sore that when TTK got home and I got up to greet him, he asked, alarmed, "Are you okay? You look horrible! You look like you're in pain!"
I did the octogenarian shuffle around the house getting ready for bed, at ten o'clock at night.

I woke up this morning with 3 dogs, two cats, and a kitten on me, and a raging migraine. And cramps. And colitis.
So why am I still awake? That's easy--I fell asleep at 7pm and just now woke up.

Believe it or not, I am REALLY going to enjoy these classes. Hell, I already have my homework done for my computer class! It was scary, though , to realize just how out-of-shape I am...I was winded after 10 minutes of slow-motion water exercises with the other partially mobile members of my "APE" class.

My "acquired brain injury" specialist wants me to take her class, "Coping with an ABI" which I would be fine with (I need the coping skills!), but it meets Mondays and Wednesdays, and I REALLY don't think I can deal with a 4-day a week school schedule. Making it 2 days a week will be quite an accomplishment for a person who has left the house on her own probably 6 times in the last 4 months...
We'll see--I'll give it a chance, 2 weeks, then drop it if I can't keep up with it.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Bob's Chicken Gravy, part 1

Today's lovely event: My Bob's Chicken Gravy disaster...

I prepped and pureed an entire chicken (the pressure cooker method is fabulous, BTW) and then went to add the other ingredients, and couldn't find the recipe, so I guesstimated the amount for the ferretone. BAD idea.
I remembered 1 cup--the recipe is 1 TABLESPOON.

My sick girl won't touch it--she tried a little and later she had the seedy poop, and refuses to have any again...she never liked Ferretone...

The other furkids, who love Ferretone, won't go NEAR the stuff...

It's not a total loss though, since the dogs go bonkers when I microwave any of it, so they're getting a very labor-intensive "treat."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Shopping Therapy

When depressed, go shopping. When depressed and agoraphobic, go shopping online.
These are way cool: Threadless tees...
if you type the word "thecityonfilm" in the coupon code, you'll get 3 bucks off.
And right now is their ten dollar sale...xmas shopping time!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006


Damn, I hate this. I am so incredibly crashing. What is wrong with me today?

Everything is looming:

••School starts next Monday--I still don't have the Disability authorization so I can take an adapted PE course, nor do I have the prerequisite challenge authorized so I can take Dreamweaver or CSS. (all the paperwork is in, just waiting now)
Plus when I do get that authorized, I have to get myself there, somehow getting past my agoraphobia fears and my confusion/stress reaction (aka, "meltdown") and I'm already all stressed just thinking about dealing with traffic and parking and hordes of people and buying my books and finding the classroom and and and...

••A friend of mine is going on vacation this Friday for 8 days, and asked me to tend the rescue while he is gone. It absolutely didn't occur to me to say no...but now I'm so scared that I am going to fuck something up! I kind of know what's expected of me, but he has people coming by his place at random times, _all_ the do I deal with that? How do I keep his place safe and his animals and everything? what if what if what if...

••Our stock is crashing, and hard, and we keep getting calls from ML asking us what we want to do, telling us we should sell, and basically being pests. How come they never called us, and even gave us the supreme brush-off, when we were poor? And suddenly we get this gift of stock, and now ML is calling us EVERY week--at first, it was every DAY. Fuckers. Their desire to make money off of us is so brutally transparent that it pisses me off, and I don't want to deal with them--so I need to find us a new brokerage.

••I've volunteered to work on a friend's website and get him a physical presence in the online world (the same friend mentioned above, who runs the reptile rescue that I'm tending for 8 days), but my coding skills are really not up to the task--hence the classes I am taking. I won't have the knowledge to get said webpages up until the end of the year, but there's a push to get the site active ASAP. I really don't have the skills yet, as much as I want to do it!

••All sorts of our critters are sick:
Tasha has hyperthyroidism, and is now on methimazole. The options are medicate for ever, or surgery to remove her thyroid (or at least the tumorous part), or allow them to inject radioactive iodine, which the tumors will drink up and die from. What to do?
Daisy has either a brain tumor, or had a stroke, so now she gets phenobarbital twice a day. She staggers about, in circles to the left...she's getting stronger, but will probably be in the "sick cage" for the rest of her life.
Atlantis has been acting very lethargic, beyond the depression expected for losing his best buddy Fizzbinn a few months ago, so I took him in...his blood sugar was low, and the vet ran an insulin test, but I have yet to hear back from the vet.
Ginsu was staggering and acting REALLY weird this afternoon, so I made an appointment for her for tomorrow...I just checked on her, and she's still wobbly--I don't know what happened to her!

And here I am making a blog entry instead of cleaning or folding laundry or feeding snakes or something. Sigh.

Saturday, August 12, 2006


As I'm surfing around, I am really liking the TypePad blogs...I like that there is a "category" option so you can categorize your posts--if someone just wants to read all of the pet entries, they can, or all of the sewing entries, etc.
Note to self: must learn how to use/code Typepad.

Sunday, August 6, 2006

Adventures With Pocky

Pocky puked on my tummy this morning.

I awoke to the sound of retching, and suddenly something warm on my stomach.

Luckily I was too groggy to freak out and puke on HER...

TTK gathered up the dog as I gathered up the sheet, both of us grimly silent and hurried....
dog went into the bathroom, sheet went into laundry.
Woman got scrubbed vigorously by her husband.

Peace and tranquility were restored to this lazy Sunday morning in bed (if you ignored the retching noises emanating from behind the closed bathroom door, that is)

Go, TT, Go TT!

I love my man!

He's kickin' ass and takin' names...

and blocking stupid ass hackers who are trying to do a dictionary hack of our server.


[insert silly little dance here]

from ttk "well, that stopped 'em."

Thursday, August 3, 2006

Give Me Your Answer True...

Daisy survived the night.
She's very weak, so even though she's still having seizures, they are really small--dunno though if it's from the weakness or that the surgery reduced the cause but didn't stop them completely.

I was hoping that this was "just" insulinoma...the vet did find a tumor on her pancreas, which he excised, but the seizures are still happening.
One thing (well, two) that he found: a full, whole and discrete second spleen.
Both were misshapen and tumorous, so he removed them both. (We can live without a spleen..but she had a spare?!)

I'm feeding her very diluted chicken gravy, about 2 ccs every hour or so...she is actually licking the end of the syringe now, whereas earlier I was having to squirt it in the side of her mouth.
My vet also suggested Carnivore care, so I bought a packet, but for now I'm just using the chicken gravy.

When she seizes I hold her head and her front paws gently until it's over...she's deaf, so I don't verbally comfort her, but I know my presence and smell comforts her.

Atlantis and Daisy are the last of my geriatric crew. Azrael, Fizzbinn, Fatboy, Miranda, and Oliver all came to me as rescues, and this was their forever home until they left me this last year.

Daisy crashing took me completely by surprise: Atlantis was who I feared would be next, since he was bonded with Fizz for 7 years...I helped Fizz on his way less than a month ago, and Atlantis has been like a limp sock without him.

I'm hoping, and I won't stop hoping, but I know chances are pretty good that I lose both of them before the year is out.

Daisy just dragged herself out of the little round dog bed full of blankies I have her in, next to me...she dragged herself across the floor until she felt she was far enough, and peed.
(you never thought I would be excited about an animal peeing on the floor, did you)

First action she's done on her own, and first fluid she's passed today (so I'm hopefully getting enough fluids into her.)

The vet has prescribed Phenobarbital for the I just have to get myself OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Yesterday to pick her up was the 4th time I've left the house on my own in something like 3 months...I don't know if it's because of the UC, or something seriously mental, but I just can't go out alone.

I almost hope it is medical and not mental, because I am getting tired with and frustrated at myself. It's like there's this big invisible block that I can't get past.

And I have TTK's car today, too--he borrowed my truck so he could pick up some big awkward piece of computer equipment and store it in the shed for months until we move--so "no air conditioning" is not an excuse I get to use.

He asked if I minded him dragging home a server rack...hell, half the shed is filled with big ole awkward SNAKE TANKS, mine, so how could I complain?
We're both such enablers.

Wednesday, August 2, 2006


Well, I'm back from the vet. We're back from the vet.
Daisy has definitely had better days...
She apparently started seizing again at the vet's today, after the surgery, so even though he removed a great deal of tumorous tissue, the cause of the seizures was not found.

There's a lot more information but I'm typing this one-handed, so I'll leave it 'till later (if ever--I'm a flake, I know...)

If You Were Keys

...where would you be?

Tuesday, August 1, 2006

Vet Time

Well, Daisy is now at the vet. Exploratory surgery.

She was fine Sunday afternoon. Sunday night, I went into the critter room, and didn't see her in her cage...I rummaged through her bed, nothing. Then I saw the end of her tail sticking out from behind the litter heart curdled as I reached for her...she was alive, but filthy with crap, and just kind of twitching.

I screamed for my husband as I carried her quickly into the bathroom so I could see what was going on. I washed her off gently, checking for broken bones (did she fall out of her hammock?) spider bites, anything.

My next thought was, "Maybe she's in an insulinoma crash? She _is_ about 8 years old, although she doesn't have the dots of death..."

Out came the honey...we smeared it on her gums, hoping she would perk up, that this was just (just?) insulinoma.

Her eyes looked unfocused, and she was pretty out of I held her, she went into a seizure.
A panicky conversation about what to do ensued...

we decided not to go the emergency vet here, because they pretty much have no clue about ferrets (oh, the joy of being in California, where a certain domesticated housepet is illegal)...the last two times we went to the emergency vet they had no clue what a ferret was--one of the techs even thought it was some kind of rodent. (!)
That's one of the essential problems with living (semi-rurally) in California and owning a ferret--the dearth of good vet care.

She was seizing about every hour, and was pretty vacant and still the rest of the time--I even arranged her in my lap so I could feel her heartbeat through the baby blanket so I wouldn't have to unwrap her and check her breathing, she was so still.

We called our vet early Monday, only to find that he was not in until we made an appointment (he's excellent, and one of the few "furkid" vets around here) for today (Tuesday)..I pretty much just held her and syringe-fed her water (she wouldn't take food, not even liquefied "chicken gravy") from Sunday night to Tuesday morning.

Our vet did an ultrasound, and found a mass in her abdomen. Blood counts were high on hemoglobin, normal on all other counts, and low on blood sugar (55). Whether it is insulinoma or not, she still has the mass in her abdomen, so we agreed for surgery to check it out and take it out if it's a tumor. We'll figure out the next step if she makes it through...

This last year or so has been a hard time.

Five of my sweet little furkids, in the past 18 months. Too many losses.

I'm just kind of numb right now, not grieving yet...maybe I won't have to: she'll come home, shaky and weak but all right, and I'll get a few more weeks, days, years, hours with her.

Is losing a loved animal really less important than losing a loved human?

Maybe for some people...but I love deeply when I love, whether it's an animal or a person.

I throw my heart over and it carries the rest of me through.