Thursday, February 8, 2007

You're still here?

What, still checking to see if I've written anything else?
or if I'm alive?

I'm still alive, mostly.

I think animals have it right--winter is hibernation/brumation time.

Trying to function, to smile at people, converse, be nice,
trying to get laundry done, bills paid, homework done,
trying to get to class, to the store, to the post office,
is all just way too fucking difficult right now.

This is not the world's cheeriest entry...
I just had to drop my CSS class because I keep missing it--I'm taking it online, and the live class is from 10-12. You'd think I could make a 10:00 class that meets AT MY COMPUTER, but I can't seem to. So I dropped it.
I'm really bummed out about it, though, more than I thought I would be.
I guess it's that whole not wanting to admit I can't do what I think I can do thing--ever since the brain surgery this has bounded my life. I am constantly having to stop and ask myself if this is going to overload me.

What's really overloading me this semester, though, is the "Coping Strategies for Brain Injured People" or some such thing. It's like group therapy twice a week, all talking and sharing and positive outlook shit. Just WAAAYYY too much social interaction for me.
I resent it, and the energy it pulls out of me, that I then don't have for my other classes.
Yes, to be fair, I am learning a lot, but I'd rather be coding.

Like yesterday's class--it was supposed to be about learning to manage stress. Instead, the message was we could CHOOSE to be stressed out about something, or CHOOSE not to.
Basically, it's all in your head, kiddies, just choose to be calm and it'll all go away.
Oh, yeah, that works.

While I am CHOOSING not to have a stress reaction, why don't I also choose not to have a brain injury? I know! I'll choose not to have ulcerative colitis, too!
And migraines, all in your head, right?
Wow, I like that house right there--I think I'll CHOOSE to live there!
Hmmm. I don't seem to be managing my stress very well, I wonder why?