Tuesday, July 1, 2008

2 Houses Divided.

This is exhausting. I am trying to maintain two houses--keep one clean and running smoothly, and get the other one repaired and fixed so it will be running.
I am a crappy single-housewife, and now I am trying to take care of two.

My infusion was Monday, and I was so exhausted I could not go...ttk is working so many hours and then he decided to take on a side project...he could not drive me, and frankly I was too scared and overwhelmed to go by myself and sit there for 4 hours with a needle in my vein. Alone.

I didn't realize how much I depended on him to be there for this until he couldn't.
So I just.couldn't.go.
Not alone. It's not the driving thing, although I have joked about him being my chauffeur before...it's the hospital thing. I don't even feel what you would describe as fear--it's more like a complete and total lock-up of everything.

I am not my usual eloquent, sarcastic self today--migraine (a true one, not just the bad headaches that have been plaguing me this spring) has been ghosting around in the back of my skull, and doing anything strenuous causes little knives to escape the cloud and race up the back of my brain.

I love ttk so deeply and I've been leaning on him so hard...with his new job and his stress levels, I have been afraid to lean on him for the house thing, but I feel a little like I have been left to manage our dream mostly by myself. The place is a mess and needs so much work and he's worried about the bamboo dying. June is already over and we are no closer to getting into the house then we were at the start of June. And ttk just took on a side project that we don't need the money for, and honestly he doesn't need the loss of focus. I don't get it--he wanted this house as much as I do. Friday was our 10 year anniversary...and he spent 3 extra hours at work for this project. His phone has been shunting straight to voicemail, and he didn't call me until almost 8...he was his usual apologetic self, of course, which made my anger at him seem all unreasonable.
He has been getting up really early--so instead of spending that early morning alone time over at the house this weekend, he spent that 3-4 hours each morning working on this side project. Why is his focus on that instead of our house? He was going to hire someone to clear the brush and get the irrigation system working. Hasn't happened. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE.

My animals are dying--I just can't keep on top of it all and I feel like there's so many things I have to deal with, NOW, that I hit this paralysis state where I can't choose one direction to move in. It's like I'm standing in the center of a circle of fragile, half-finished vases, and if I turn and step to shore up one, then the others all start collapsing since I'm no longer there. I can't FINISH any one of them since I am trying so hard to maintain them all. And barely doing that.
I don't usually air this much dirty laundry--I should probably just hit the delete button. I'm just having a bad day. The joy of being bi-polar--things will be better tomorrow. *snort*

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