Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Letting Go...

My little old man, Fizzbinn.
It's time.
We're going to the vet Monday, where we'll say our final goodbyes.

I've been saying goodbye for months now, knowing just from watching him stagger about the room that it would soon be time.
He's down to skin and bones, and has lost almost all of his hair.

When he first got the hind end weakness, the vet couldn't find anything wrong with him, so I've been nursing him as he has gotten weaker and thinner and more staggery and just--old.
I've said that as long as he has gusto, joy de vivre, any sign that he was still happy, I would not put him down, no matter what I had to do.

Three months ago I padded the cage and put down vinyl on top of that so he wouldn't hurt himself falling.
He gets Bob Church's Chicken Gravy every day, which until the start of this week he would suck down every drop.
Despite the amount of food he eats, he has lost weight dramatically in the last month...I would take him in for surgery, and would have ages ago, but there's no surgery to be done, and he's no longer a good surgery patient--he's so thin that he would probably not wakeup from the aenesthesia.

Friday I noticed him crying out when he tried to poop (he's almost completely incontinent) and I knew it was time for me to let go.

He's in pain. It's my responsibility--nay, my GIFT to him to release him from that pain.
My sweet little crooked nose Fizzbinn.
I don't know what Atlantis is going to do without him--they've been together for 5 years. When Fizz goes, Atlantis will be alone.
I know they bond, and I know they pine...and I am so scared of losing Atlantis too.

Sybil, Eve, Azrael, Fatboy, Fizzbinn. I miss you all (yes Fizzbinn, I miss you already, even though you are in the next room curled up in a tiny ball, sleeping).

Which is easier--losing them, young and healthy, to an injury or an accident, or watching them grow old and sickly and stagger around until YOU have to make the decision to euthanise them?
I've had both happen, and both carry their own emotional load, and guilt.


I love you Fizz.

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