Disambiguation

Sorry, I just realized that I missed mentioning a few things in the last few posts--we went into escrow on a house east of Sebastopol, on a gorgeous piece of property out on a winding country road, but the house inspection showed the house itself to be a mess, so we used our buyer contingency of inspections failing to live up to our standards, and left escrow. Two days later we went into escrow on a house that is the polar opposite of the first house--great house, incredibly built, well-laid out property, but smack up against a busy road.

Now we've released our contingencies, and the seller has 4 days to release their contingency (of finding a property) so we'll know by Friday if they wish to renegotiate, or just cancel. If all goes well, we should be closing escrow by mid-April, and starting our moving process by the end of April.

I'm alternating between hoping they'll cancel, and absolutely and totally wanting them not to cancel...this is all such an emotional, stressful process, that if this deal falls through I don't know if I can do this again. Of course, we would start all over and do this again (because the alternative would be staying here for longer), but I might lose some serious sanity points in the process.
My internal gyroscope has hit this place of almost calm--a wait and see kind of feeling.
There's a whole bunch of job stuff going on for my sweetie as well, so he's a mess about that AND whether we get the house...

He's cooler than I am...

So TTK got his pictures up online into his own webpage, all laid out and annotated, so I'm just going to send y'all there rather than try to get mine together. For now, anyway--I have a whole lot more pictures, but his commentary is more entertaining than I feel like writing right now, so here's where to go: http://www.ciar.org/ttk/mkindex.cgi?dir=images/house/2008-03-17

Oh--this is all about the house for which we're in escrow, in case you were wondering.
We went in today and removed our final Buyer's contingencies--now we just have to wait until Friday, for the Sellers to remove their contingencies, and we'll move into closing escrow. !!!!!!

I keep alternating between being overjoyed at the yummy house and property, and being all sick inside worrying about how busy the street is. It's not the quiet country road property we wanted, although it is on a country road, rural rather than residential. Problem is, it's a road that is straight, and connects two sections of the countryside, and people use it quite a lot. The speed limit is 45 MPH on this road--I don't know how, but somehow we compromised on one of the crucial issues we both said would be a deal-killer for us.
I'm worried the traffic's going to get worse, but my primary fear is that Sam or one of our other cats are going to end up splattered on that @%&@$!! road...
and yet here we are in escrow.
I don't know if these are normal buyer's regret quavers, or if we're doing the wrong thing, or what. I do know that we both have hit the point that if we do not get out of this cramped little rental, soon, we will either kill each other or ourselves, so we're doing this, even if we decide to move in 5 years.

migraine surges

Migraine stopped about 7 pm yesterday evening---but then sleep was nowhere to be found. And now, today, both dizziness and no sleep are my companions...
Yesterday was the home inspection, which I could NOT go to--so TTK went, and the inspection was over 4 hours and according to him, "very intense."
The house is in incredible condition--which is what happens when a master craftsman owns a place, I think. Our 10 day deadline for our inspections is Monday, and their 14 day deadline for opting out if they haven't found a place to move is Friday...so we'll know in a week whether or not the place is ours for sure. SCARY!!!
The migraine keeps threatening to return, which really sucks because tomorrow is supposed to be a busy day. :-(

We'll see.

Ow.

I'm on hour 27 of migraine.
Every once in a while I try to convince myself that I won't get one of these ass-kickers again, that they never get this bad, that my brain is fine and everything is hunky-dory and I have no brain damage or scar tissue or a big jagged hole in my skull and that if I just have will power I can do all the things I need to and and and..
and then one of these hits.

This is one of those that adjusts the scale, like the kid that's too fucking smart and everyone gets a lower grade on a test as a result.

If it weren't or the pain pills I would probably be puking my guts out right now from the pain. As it is, the pain is there but held back at a distance because of the meds...it's like being in a room that's all duct taped up and sealed against the evil terrorist gas, but you can see through the window and see it swirling and trying to reach its greasy little fingers through any crevice it finds...and the pain meds are the duct tape holding those questing tendrils back, but for how long before the glue weakens under the assault and the pain starts shredding me again.

I used to be a good writer. I used to hear a kind of music when I read poetry, or great prose, and could even achieve that edge, that distant symphony when I wrote. Not anymore. Now I fumble for words, I wiggle my fingers in front of me with my eyes closed, trying to connect the words to the image, the words that are just out of reach.

Hell, some days, especially after a migraine, I can't find basic words like "dresser," or "cup."

Today is the anniversary of the war on Iraq.
I know this because ttk got stuck in San Francisco after a business meeting today, trapped in his car through a maze endless detours and surging crowds.

He finally headed back to his work and napped on the couch...I talked to him about an hour ago and he's finally headed home.
This entry is going to be lots of little snippets just cause that's what happens when my pain medicine kicks in--we call it "Blue Pill Babble."
See, years ago when I was first given the prescription for the pain meds (my migraines are atypical, because of the scar tissue in my brain from the surgery. If you don't know that story by now, go to http://www.ciar.org/cobalt to see my ANCIENT hand-coded webpage that I haven't gotten around to redoing, for the whole sordid history.) the generic form of the pills were round, and blue, and bitter as all hell. They're still bitter--I always say you know I'm in pain if I'm taking these, because they're so bloody bitter that I wouldn't be able to overcome that unless I am in dire need. But I digress.
Anyway, they were round and bitter, and blue. It was just easier to ask for a Blue Pill from ttk than to remember the name of the drug (plain old Fioricet, if you wanna know) so we got used to calling them that. Then a few years ago they changed the generic to a white oblong (still bitter as a bad fuck) but we've kept the habit of calling them blues, which has confused our friends to no end.
Weird thing is when they kick in, they make me babble. Noone is here to babble at, so I'm typing this whilst laying down, with my eyes closed. I intend to spell check this, so I'm not too worried about the monstrosities appearing on the screen. Mostly.
TTK called--he's 6 minutes away, so I can babble at him soon. I can feel the pain trying to get in through my blue duct tape. I would say "heh" at my silly metaphor but that might hurt my head.

Time...

It's been more than 10 years, and I still love him so fucking much it hurts.
We have a deal that I die first--he's not allowed to leave me on this rotting planet alone.

...considering my piss-poor health, it's not going to be too hard for him to outlive me, unless he dies in a fiery crash because of this damn commute that we thought would only be for a year or so until he found a job closer to home, but that has turned out to be 4 YEARS...

...and yes, damn this fucked up cerebellum--I've been awake all night AGAIN.

I've been in a piss-poor mood all weekend, a mood which I decided that I would not inflict upon the few friends I do have, so all sorts of phone calls and emails are owed to the people I've left hanging. I even need to apologize to our real-estate ladies, because we met with them on short notice on Saturday, and I was in such an unpleasant state that I don't doubt for a second that I was difficult to be around. I even let slip my utter disgust for humans--I got to talking about reptiles and how many neglected and dying animals I have rescued from people who would rather let their kid's pet die, and just replace it, because it was just a "five dollar turtle."
but I digress. Of course.
Love was what prompted this post. Sad that hate should end it.
It's hard to feel loving and not irritated when he starts snoring enough to scatter his piles of mammals that suck up his warmth at night...right now even the old "elbow in the spine" trick is not working--if anything the snoring deepens.
Sigh. Love. Love. Love is a good thing [snooooore].

We Walked Away.

Well, we decided that house needed more work than we were going to be able to afford, both timewise and moneywise, so we Walked Away. It actually felt really damn good to know we're strong enough to let go and be able to move on. 

So, we're in escrow on a different house. Heh.

The first of the inspections for THIS new house is tomorrow--the Well Inspection. It WILL go well.

This house is much nicer, but more expensive, and we're being much less over-the-top excited about being in escrow, now that we're all experienced n' shit. I've decided that buying a house is rather like getting pregnant, 50 years ago: you wait to tell everyone until you're sure you're not going to miscarry...

I am in the process of trying to get photos uploaded to my Kodak account, which is not public, so if you're interested in seeing them email me and I'll send you a link. WHEN I get the darn things up--I keep getting distracted and end up wandering all over the 'net doing research, reading blogs, and I get back on track and suddenly I am wandering through my computer files, looking at photos and oh, I need to do a little editing in Photoshop on this one, and I should upload it to my Flickr account, oh but I need to finish the crafty blog post I was making about this project, and oh oh oh oh

and suddenly instead of uploading photos, I am here writing in my blog about how I am NOT getting it done.

Ah, the joy of the easily distracted....

This is just miserable.

We had our house inspection yesterday, and the pest inspection. I swear, everything that could be wrong with this house, is. The roof is sagging, it has both dry wood and subterranean termites (I didn't even know there was sub-t!) the septic is for shit (literally!) and needs new leach lines and possibly a new tank, there's fungus growth around the edges of the roof from lack of gutters, the roof needs replacing, a "vapor barrier" needs to be installed in the crawlspace, etc. etc.
We thought about it overnight, then after my infusion this morning when ttk left, I sat down and started thinking this through, and I realized: I AM NOT UP TO THIS.
There is so much work that needs to be done before we could move in--at least 50-100 THOUSAND dollars--so why not spend more money and get an already fixed and nice house, that we can move into when escrow closes?
We told ourselves that if there were major problems we would just walk away--and I think that we need to acknowledge that now is the time. It feels like we have put so much work into this already, but realistically it's been a week. 5 days. We can find another house. I KNOW we can. We love the location so much, but the house is in miserable condition.
Are we going to have regrets if we walk away? Yes.
But I don't have the strength to manage a house rebuild, while ttk commutes and is gone most of the time.
Amontillado!
For the love of God, Montresor!

We are going to talk more tonight--I juts talked to him on the phone and he is going to call our real estate ladies and put a hold on the next inspection.

Anticipation.

I CAN NOT WAIT until we have a HOUSE!!!!!

With the brutal (but not as torrential as the weather dudes predicted) rainpour this last week, I've been completely unable to do laundry.

Our laundry area is OUTSIDE.

Have I mentioned how much this sucks?

Through the back door, on the side of the house/porch, is a pair of doors that open onto a closet-like area that is just deep enough for our washer and dryer. Nothing else. 

Not even a basket of laundry can sit in front of the washer and still have the doors close, so we've added a bungee cord to the doors so they can be kept closed most of the way when I have laundry out there. There's only about 4 inches of roof overhand, so I can't do laundry if it's even drizzling, since everything (including me) will get wet.

It's really evil to get a whole bunch of laundry done, have it hanging on the door all fresh and clean, and FORGET to close up the laundry area and have it get rained on.

When we take possession (knock wood that all the inspection reports are positive) the first thing I am doing is buying a fab-ola washer and dryer (front loading!) and having it shipped, and installed. No more doing laundry in the rain and cold and having the summer sun bleach my clothes if I leave the doors open!

This HAS to happen.

please

please

please

please

Waiting is the hardest part.

[sigh]

Um, so..

we just we bought a house.
Yeah.
Eek.

I suppose once the shock has worn off, I'll be really ecstatic, but right now I feel really strangely unemotional.
Kind of a solid feeling, really.
I'm not freaking, or assailed by doubts, but I'm also not overexcited and bouncing.

We just signed the papers yesterday, submitted our bid, and the seller accepted it this morning.

WE'RE IN ESCROW!!!!!!!

Okay, saying that makes it feel more real, since we have 30-45 days to close of escrow.
We're really in this!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay, moment over--I prefer the calm.


WE JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE!

Now, if ttk doesn't lose his job before the loan papers are signed, and if all the inspections go well, and if I don't get sick again, and and and and...
We'll be in our new house in about 4 months.
June.
Just in time for our tenth wedding anniversary, and our renewal of vows we're hoping to do!
[thud]

We're back, really

Yes, we came back months ago, but I got sick on the plane ride home and was sick for 2 weeks, and then I just never quite got back into the habit of posting again. New year and all that.
really, I still exist. I just tend to brumate in Jan-Feb-March...

Leaving, on a Jet Plane...

Well, we leave for Texas in 3 days. Yep, we fly out Christmas morning, for 5 days.

I had more to say but I'm being assailed by one hell of a migraine which started out mild but is really amping up...the brightness of the screen is starting to hurt. Life sucks sometimes...

Interlude 449, plus Sam Thoughts.

Him (calling from the bedroom): This is NOT a cat.

Me: What?

Him. Sam is NOT a cat. He is a BEAR.

Me: ... ?

Him: I was making the bed and I went to move him, and he whacked me. Hard.
He hit me in the side! It HURT. It STILL hurts! This is not a cat!




heh. I weighed Sam last week--he weighs 16 pounds. Mind you, this is not a laze about obese cat--he is solid muscle, and brings home gophers the size of squirrels. I think he brought in that damn spider last week...

When we moved in here, we closed all the doors and wouldn't let the cats out so they would decide that this was now home--I had read that somewhere, and it worked every other time we moved, but this was the first time we moved with Sam, and I guess he didn't read that article. The first thing he did when we opened a SCREENED window was wait until neither of us was watching, and proceeded to CLAW his way through the screen because he wanted OUTSIDE, dammit.
5 years later and the screen is still in shreds, since it became the "cat door" and replacing it would have meant he would have something else to tear open.
Unfortunately, said cat door is actually our bedroom window, right at the head of our bed, (of course, I'm the light sleeper--notice the timestamp on this post?) which makes my side of the bed Cat Highway.
I actually bought a cheesy 3 tier plant stand from Pic 'N' Save and set it up outside our window, screwing it into the wall, so the cats wouldn't be thumping and scrabbling in their travels. Last week we bought two doormats to go on said plant stand to try to control the amount of mud that gets tracked all over my pillow and side of the bed during the rainy season (read: NOW).
It's not working, but I'm pretending it is.

Timeline.

I keep trying to remember various things, and I've realized that I mark most of my life as either BT or AT...Before Tumor and After Tumor. TTK and I keep forgetting when we married, so I've decided to write a timeline of events. Not all of them, mind you, just AT...


1995
January: Insurance kicks in: Diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis.
April 10: Diagnosed with Acoustic Neuroma (now called Unilateral Schwanoma)
April 2?: Surgery
May 20: My birthday, and back into the hospital for Steroid Psychosis
July: Record heat wave in Chicago--500 people die, and I almost joined them.
October: Moved to Santa Cruz with Evil E.

1996
January-ish; Broke up with E. Moved out.
July-ish: Moved into McMillan House.

(somewhere in here I met TTK online, then in person, and got interested in him...)
August: Flew to Chicago for a visit.
September 5: Declared celibacy.
September 12: TTK offered via /m a back massage. I postponed until the next day.
September 13: We start our relationship. Monogamous.
October: TTK moves into McMillan House.
December-ish: After months of proposing to him, he finally said yes! Heh.

1997

We plan for wedding in November. November cruises by.

1998
May: I announce, frustrated with trying to plan a wedding, that we were getting married in June, damn it.
June 27: We marry. Me, him, Sara Homan as our Officiant, my sister as my maid of honor and his best friend as his man of honor. Party of five, in the middle of a field. :-)

1999
Moved to Seattle (Burien). I hate it.

2000
October: Moved to Cotati.

2002
March 1: moved to Sebastopol (Hessel area.)

2004
December: Doctor took me off celexa, put me on Wellbutrin which sent me loony.

2005
January: Partial Hospitalization Program for insane me.
February: Flareup started (and is still going.)
May: Finally decide to see the UC specialist. Made it down for my nephew's 2nd birthday.
August: Got to witness the birth of my neice. Wow is all I can say.

2006
Somewhere in here TTK decided to contact his parents, so I got to meet my MIL and FIL (and SIL) for the first time (after 7 years of marriage.)
May: Said new in-laws gift us with some stock (none of your business how much). Woo hoo! And eeeee!
I head to L.A. for neph's b-day party, and I take frogs to show (party is frog themed!).
August: I start school.
September: Ginsu appeared on our doorstep.
December: Dr. M declares me "in remission" but says I have residual irritable bowel. (HA!!)
December 25th: We fly to Texas to meet TTK's grandmas. Weird but fun trip.

2007
January:
Cramping and blood get worse despite being "in remission." I decide to get a second opinion. Which meant another colonoscopy, whee.
March:
Almost completely homebound now. Had to drop all of my classes. Weight loss is getting noticeable. I get a blood test check and my iron levels are 34 (normal is 35). No biggie, right? Keep reading...
April:
I go on steroid enemas. These are evil and painful.
May:
I go on oral steroids (Budosenide). Evil stuff. I start having extreme dizziness when I stand, that I attribute to the steroids (but, oh, was I wrong!)
June:
1st: momma has a stroke. (okay, TIA, but it's still serious).
Dizzy and sort of breath all of the time now. Hands are shaky.
July:
More of the same. Down to 155 pounds. (was 190 at the start of the year.) Somewhere in here I decided to take up crochet hook again.
August:
8th: Needles died.
16: Woke this morning by TTK...he found Atlantis dead in the cage. Was expecting it, since he was so depressed about Fizzbinn, but it was still a shock.
16: Down to 151 pounds. Finally approved for Remicade! Decided to taper myself off of the evil steroids, since none of my doctors wanted to, and they were making me insane.
22: First Remicade transfusion. Whee.

September:
5th: Second infusion. Feeling better every day.
13 11 year anniversary today.
28 Tasha died. :-(

October
Finally off the steroids.
3: Infusion of Remicade. Up to 155 pounds. Still incredibly dizzy and shaky, though.

I make an app with my regular dr, and ask for a blood test (last one was in March!)
Hemo score is at 23, when normal is 35. Dr is freaked, puts me on megadoses (3X daily) of iron so we won't have to transfuse me. THIS explains the dizziness, weakness, short of breath-ness, and shakiness! ARRRRGH!

November 28: My 3rd infusion of Remicade. I've gained 10 pounds (now at 160), and dizziness is gone. I think we can safely say I am in remission for real.

I need another blood test, but it's kinda fallen back in my schedule of TO DO's, since there's so much other stuff I need to get caught up on.



------------------
Okay, so the later years are not filled out much, but that's because it's always hard to separate the significant events when you're still close to them. I'm sure I'll be adding more.

Interlude 447

"Don't kick over that funnel next to you..." (he gestures towards the kitchen floor) "there's a Jerusalem Cricket under it."

EVIL, EVIL MAN!!!!!

Fun, but not Scary

Heh. We've been spending our holiday down in L.A. with family...
the first few days at my mom's house, and then yesterday and today at my sister's, with her partner and their two little kidlets.
Wow.
After just an hour with these two little creative, energetic critters, I was exhausted yesterday!
Today, they created their own game called "fun, but not scary" which involved hanging over my sister's leg, and then sliding off headfirst onto the floor, cackling madly the whole time. :-)
We had french toast and syrup for breakfast, and sis said, "They're working off that litte sugar rush." and sure enough, 20 minutes later both have melted into sippy-cup-and-laying-down mode.

Vascillating...

Okay, so now that I've announced that I am going to just use this blog for everything, I am once again wondering if that's a good idea--I mean, if you're cruising for crafts, are you really going to want to read all my intimate and nasty little life and health details? And if you know me and are wondering about the latest, are YOU really going to want to read about all of my little creative projects?
I don't want to scare the crafters, while disillusioning the geeks and weirdos (heh!)...and y'all know who you are.

So I think what I'll do is this: I'll do a full-on overhaul of my craft blog, get all the links satisfactory and all the bells and whistles, THEN I will re-open it "to the public." In the meantime, I'll just post creative stuff here, and scare whoever with whatever.

Sounds like a plan, man!

So here's a craft update: I'm taking pictures of my finished projects, organizing my patterns and stash, and planning new projects. It's kind of surreal--our place is so small that the only nice area to take pictures in is the bedroom, by making the bed and putting up a backdrop...so I have my camera set up on the tripod next to the bed. We're not filming porn, really!

A health update: I just went to the gastroenterologist guy...since the Remicaide is suppressing my UC so well, he thinks it would be a not-so-good (as opposed to COMPLETELY bad) idea to start the immunosuppressant therapy as well, so no Imuran for me. I'm actually quite relieved about that, because there's a serious side effect of the two drugs when taken co-comittantly--there's an extreme chance of developing lymphoma. Uh, no thank you!

So, gut is almost completely under control--I still can't eat normally (no salad, no beef, no raw vegetables, easy on the fiber and fried foods, etc) for at least 6 months (according to my dr) but I have gotten to expand my variety, and I can actually eat without the panic or fear. Or PAIN.

Family update: My dad went into the hospital with acute pancreatitis, my sister is having a severe endocrine problem that none of the doctors can figure out or fix, my MIL broke her foot, my FIL had hernia surgery...basically, I get better and everyone around me falls apart. TTK is not physically ill, thank goodness, but he's having some issues mentally because of all of the strain of caring for me and the household and keeping down a full-time plus plus job.
We're leaving to go to L.A. in 2 days, and trying desperately to batten down the hatches and basically make the place seaworthy (to carry the metaphor waaay past its usefulness!) so the petsitter will survive intact...

Well, that's enough for now--I have to go clean something. Heh.

Merger...

Okay, I was trying to keep a separate blog for my craft stuff/creative side, but I've decided to just merge them. It's easier than trying to update/keep nice looking two different blogs at the same time. I tend to tinker with the template code, and if I figure out a new function, it's a pain to add to both templates.
On another note, I just got my invitation to Ravelry.com, as a Beta tester...so it got me up off of my butt and got me to take some pics of my projects (well, some of them, anyway), get the pics converted to smaller more manageable images, and open a Flickr account to upload them, and actually upload them! Go here to see what measly bit I've done so far. Heh.

All this stash organizing and book-listing, project exploring, and reading has me wanting to start MORE projects!
Woo! Off to amigurumi!

Okay, THAT was Funny...

Y'all know how I hate the phone, yes?
Well, I finally got up the gumption to face the first of a hlaf-dozen calls I need to make...
I decided to call my friend Al first, since I really need to get the whole pet-sitter thing figured out before TTK and I go off to L.A. ...
Al is quite a joker, and likes to mess around with people's minds by making dirty jokes, so when I called him, and he answered, I said "Hi! You got a minute?"
When he replied, "Who is this?"
I said, "it's me, H----."
"WHO?"
So of course, my instant reaction was to say "You've forgotten me already? But it was just last night!"

There was this dead pause, for about three heartbeats..
then, "Who are you trying to call?"
"Uhhhh, Al?"
Another pause. "No, you've got the wrong number. But we can still get together if you want to!"
Mad guffawing from both sides of this conversation ensued, and I could even hear someone else in the background cracking up...

I answered, after I got my breath back, "Uh, NO. I think I'll try dialing the RIGHT number this time."
Still chuckling, he said "I'd remember you if it was just last night..."

HEH!

So much for getting up the nerve to use the telephone... I'm still grinning about this, as I type.

I think I will check his number and REMOVE the one that's written on the side of my monitor...

STILL anemic!

I had another blood test, on Thursday...the doctor called today and said that I'm still anemic, even worse than before (normal is 35, last test I was 23...he didn't say the exact number this time tho) and he wants me taking iron _3_ times a day...

Since I started the Remicade I have been feeling better and better--my next infusion isn't until November 28, so we'll hopefully get this anemia thing kicked before then.

You know, when you're sick all your energy and focus is on being sick and trying to get better and even just trying to be mildly functional...but you start getting better, then you start noticing that there's OTHER things out there besides blood and pain.

Anemic...

You know all those symptoms I was attributing to the steroids--the dizziness, the lightheadedness, the rapid heartbeat? Well, I got a blood test yesterday, and my doctor called this morning: "You're quite anemic. If you were younger I'd insist on you getting a transfusion."

He went on to describe what effects I might have been having--dizziness, lightheadedness, and a rapid heartbeat when I tried to do much of anything. Surprise!

So he has me taking iron twice a day, and I get another blood test next week.